Time for A Change

Well… I would say that today has marked some changes within myself, not really a new beginning, but I think it’s major enough to consider it as a change.

If you had followed my previous entries, today’s is my previous crush’s birthday (Happy birthday! Bean! :D)… which also marks 1.5 year anniversary that I had constantly feeling hurt deep down. Well… it’s not that my hurts are caused by him, but it’s pretty much the contrary: I’m the one hurting myself because I kept on clinging on with a love which is impossible to preach. He didn’t do anything to hurt me (well… perhaps in a few occasions that I’ve been “used”… not in sexual context, mind ya XD), but perhaps I’m at wrong for invading his private space while he didn’t gave me permission to.

I’ve been struggling with myself: crying so many times that I had lost count, fantasizing him so much that I had become obsessive, feeling down so many times that I feel unloved… As much as I tell myself that I have to let it go, I didn’t… I was living a dream… but I hate to admit it…

If you have been reading my previous poems (specifically Empty Bed, Music Box and Parallel Loners), I admit that my inspiration is based on that imaginary relationship that will not happen. Bean, if you are reading this (which I really doubt that you do, since I never give out the address except in the forums that I participated), these are dedicated to you… and I wish to tell you that I love you so much. But I have to put a stop now…

Now, my hurts are already healed (I don’t really know, but I feeling of being hurt is gone now), and I decided to lock this feeling a beautiful place deep down in my heart… and pass the key… to you, Bean. I’ll always appreciate you as a friend, and I’ll always do until my life ended, and I’ll always be proud with you. You taught me what is love, and how to love someone unconditionally. I learned how to appreciate life as it is and to be proud of who I am. Sometimes, I just have to let something dear go, and I think I’m able to do it now… I can’t put all my energy towards something impossible, since I now understand that there more friends who requires my undivided attention, there’s more things in life that I have to enjoy without you, and I can’t force upon you to love me.

But… if in any hope… that you’ll love and appreciate me… rest assured that you’ve the key to rekindle the same passion I had for you in the past. But for now, you’re still my special friend. gulps down a few tears

As for now, I’m not sure whether I’m ready for another relationship… to share the up and downs with me. As much as I know there’s an empty space to be filled… I really don’t want to force myself to love just for the sake of loving. Till the time comes, I’ll know… and I’m sure (or at least I’m praying) that I’m able to find someone.

May all of you, loved or unloved, be blessed…