Thousand Thoughts; Thousand Questions

For some reasons, my mind gets pretty stirred up, but yet I feel peaceful. I have been reading and hearing a lot of stories. While reading my LJ friends’ entries and listened to some my friends’ problem, lots of emotions that sprung up to me: sad, indifferent, anger, fear, insecure, rejected, hatred… lonely… lost… …

Slumping back on my chair, my mind can’t seem fixed in one point. I have been thinking quite a lot lately: regarding life, purpose, love, humanity, relationship, philosophy… For some reasons, I being really introspective, thinking about abstract concepts which the answers is so vague, so broad, and so hard to grasp and reach. My brains are working in a incoherent matter, random thoughts and feelings are coming to me without any noticible patterns. It seems that these fragments are trying to tell me something, yet I’m unable to decipher the message behind it.

I wonder why I think so much… why can’t I just go to sleep and forget about it? Why I can’t just go read or focus more energy on something more important like economy, society and politics? Why I can’t just ignore everything and just feed myself with MTV the whole day? Why I can’t just focus my thoughts in the dimension of time? Why I can’t just think about something more realistic, such as my future plans and job perspective?

Those were the questions that I had asked myself once to many ever since I was in high school, yet I don’t have an answer, nor able to do the things I mentioned above… Perhaps I was born this way, and maybe there’s a purpose behind it, but I can’t seem to see anything beyond.

Sometimes I just feel like just being in existence is like being in a universe: How people think and react because of our actions, what consequence that others might bear… Is fate decided by a higher unseen force? Or is it a matter of consequences and coincidence? However, imagine that I’m looking myself from the universe, it looks like we are so tiny, our action doesn’t even change the course of planets! I feel people and our actions are so big, yet so little.

Then, focusing something smaller, I’m back here, reading my friends’ LJ entries. Is it easier for us to feel negative? Is it much more easier to feel sad and depressed? Is it easier to feel lonely? Is it easier for us to see everything negative in ourselves and others? Is it easier to feel small and hopeless and being unloved?

While people are saying that we need to give in order to receive, to sacrifice in order to strive, to suffer in order to achieve; why we still feel that we didn’t get anything we deserved? Is it that we didn’t give enough? Is it that we are focusing in the wrong direction? Is it that we are just not persistent enough? Or are we expecting rewards along the way yet we get disappointed way too many times? We are often told that we shouldn’t expect any return on our efforts, yet we are also told that we should be more realistic in life and don’t do anything that doesn’t benefit us…

Life’s a strange thing, eh? And we have to live on with it…

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Resting for a while, scrolling down on the journal, I saw Seraphic’s (drifting_floe) recent post about his training and meeting up nice residents there. I smiled and my thoughts seems to go away with it…